


Roles

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Episode: s02e10 Noël, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-05-23
Updated: 2006-05-23
Packaged: 2019-05-30 11:36:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15095900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: Donna muses to herself about her place inthe West Wing, in the world and in Josh's life afterthe events ofNoel.





	Roles

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

 

TITLE: Roles (1/1)  
AUTHOR: Lalden   
SPOILERS: Noel  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own or have any rights to any of  
these characters. They belong to Aaron Sorkin, Warner  
Brothers, NBC, and probably some other folks as well,  
just not me.  
ARCHIVE: Archive anyplace, just let me know (and you  
have no idea how happy that would make me).  
SUMMARY: Donna muses to herself about her place in  
the West Wing, in the world, and in Josh's life after  
the events of Noel.  
AUTHORS NOTE: An extra special thanks to the way cool  
Michelle H. who lets me beat read her fic and  
encouraged me to write this. Any feedback would be  
extremely cool!

See, I'm the girl you want around in the event of an  
emergency or natural disaster, you just don't know it.  
But I know it. And you certainly _wouldn't_ know it  
to look at me, but I am. I am dependable, stable, and  
prepared; I am the girl who comes through when you  
least expect me to.

I'd also make a pretty good spy (don't laugh), and  
sometimes I do quite a bit of spying. I am good at it  
mostly because I blend in, I am not the type you  
notice (unless I want you to); I'm just there. So  
much so that you come to count on me being there, you  
become used to me, you come to expect things of me,  
and I play on that.

Quirky-Assistant and Ditzy-Blonde are useful  
expectations to encourage at times. The companion  
roles to those two are Dependable-Political-Consultant  
and Always-There-When-You-Need-Me, and these are the  
ones you have really come to rely on, you just don't  
know it.

But, Quirky-Assistant and Ditzy-Blonde are just covers  
for the role I really want to play, which is an  
expansion of Dependable-Political-Consultant and  
Always-There-When-You-Need-Me. That role is  
Powerful-Confident-Smart-Loyal-Woman-and-You-All-Know-It.  
Now, _I_ know it, secretly that is, but word isn't  
out yet. And I am not sure I am totally ready for the  
role publicly yet.

So, here I am, Dependable-Political-Consultant (you  
just don't know it), which allows me a bit of policy  
influence and Master-Spy (you'd never guess it), which  
gives me access to places, people, conversations, and  
information that are useful to me, personally and to  
my boss, politically.

Josh is one of those people, in fact THE person, who  
has come to rely on these aspects of my job  
performance, he just doesn't know it. I have to  
admit, part of me gets off on this power I secretly  
weld � the decisions I influence, the information I  
gather and pass along � these things I am able to do  
precisely because people don't expect them of me.

Always-There-When-You-Need-Me (which you also don't  
realize), is sometimes political, sometimes  
secretarial, and more often lately, is personal. To  
say that I keep Josh on the ball and keep his schedule  
is accurate, but it is also an incredible  
understatement.

Now, I don't want to imply that I am the "woman behind  
the powerful man" like those awful bumper stickers. I  
just think that my job is misunderstood most of the  
time by most people. And that works to my advantage  
(Master-Spy and Dependable-Political-Consultant), so I  
play up on the image they have of me (Quirky-Assistant  
and Dumb-Blonde).

Sometimes it bothers me that no one knows how much I  
do; it hurts my feelings, but mostly I don't mind.  
Really. In fact, I sort of get off on it � it's the  
whole "no sense of self or self-esteem" thing -- I  
like casting myself in the roles of Under-Appreciated  
and Misunderstood. These roles, which are the flip  
side of Dependable-Political-Consultant and  
Master-Spy, are the ones I play privately when I am  
feeling indulgently self-sacrificing.

They aren't roles I am unfamiliar with either, I  
created them for myself a long time ago � and when I  
was with Dr. Freeride I played these parts with  
aplomb. But I have matured some since then, and the  
self-destructive, co-dependent things I did with him  
to emotionally manipulate our relationship, I have  
vowed not to emulate in my next relationship.

Now it is 3 years later, and as I said, I try not to  
let Under-Appreciated and Misunderstood steal the  
scenes from Dependable-Political-Consultant and  
Always-There-When-You-Need-Me (although this one is  
dangerously close to Under-Appreciated and  
Misunderstood). But there is still that part of me  
that craves the role of a lifetime:  
Powerful-Confident-Smart-Loyal-Woman-and-You-All-Know-It.  
It is just the You-All-Know-It part that freaks me  
out.

I think that if I am Under-Appreciated and  
Misunderstood, then any recognition of my  
Dependable-Political-Consultant and  
Always-There-When-You-Need-Me qualities are surprising  
to people who generally see me as Quirky-Assistant and  
Ditzy-Blonde, and frankly it is surprising to me that  
I actually can be those things. And, if I become  
Powerful-Confident-Smart-Loyal-Woman-and-You-All-Know-It  
then I might actually have to recognize it myself as  
well.

I just got some recognition for the  
Always-There-When-You-Need-Me role, and the person it  
came from made it feel like getting an Academy Award.  
Recognition for my role came from Leo, the person who  
is second on my list of people I want acknowledgement  
from (and frankly, I am not sure I am ready to hear it  
from the number one person).

The recognition didn't come first hand; it came from  
overhearing a conversation I wasn't supposed to be  
hearing (Master-Spy). Although, I think Leo knew I  
was there, he is incredibly intuitive (which is why I  
think he knew all along that I did more than type and  
take notes).

It took me a long time to gain the respect of the  
senior staff after I convinced Josh to hire me on  
during the campaign, but I think Leo tuned into me  
right away. I think he knew why Josh hired me more  
than Josh did. And I think he respects me for the  
understated way that I get things done and the  
influence I have on Josh.

Our love for Josh is something we share and I think we  
both know that the other one knows, we just don't say  
it, and that is okay with both of us. But, I was  
leading up to me hearing Leo tell Josh that I was the  
one who figured out that Josh was in way over his  
head, that he didn't really cut his hand on a glass,  
and that he needed help that he wouldn't seek himself.

Well, all that wasn't actually said, in fact, none of  
it was. It went like this: when Leo told Josh that I  
was going to take him to the emergency room after Josh  
had spent the day with Dr. Keyworth from ATVA, Josh  
said, "She knows?" Leo's reply was, "She was the one  
who guessed." He didn't say what I had guessed or  
offer any explanation, and I don't know if Josh  
wondered, but he didn't ask.

For me, right then, knowing that Josh had ended his  
ATVA session yelling down the hall about wanting his  
dreams analyzed, hearing Leo tell Josh that as long as  
he had a job, Josh had a job, and hearing Leo tell  
Josh that I had guessed what was going on with Josh �  
it was the best Christmas gift. The loyalty that Leo  
has for his friends, and the loyalty they have for him  
is amazing.

I am not sure what I think about the fact that Josh  
didn't reply to Leo's statement that I was the one  
"who guessed." Was Josh surprised about me knowing  
what was going on with him? If he was, he didn't  
reveal it. I think he thought I didn't notice that he  
was battling demons he couldn't name. I think he knew  
the rest of the staff was noticing, but I think he  
thought I was clueless.

I know that he thinks I am smart and loyal and all  
that (read Quirky-Assistant, now and then a glimmer of  
recognition of Always-There-When-You-Need-Me, and once  
in a great while a sliver of acknowledgement of  
Dependable-Political-Consultant). He never goes to  
any of his other staff for anything. Sam and Toby use  
Cathy or Ginger and the others almost interchangeably,  
but Josh is a one-woman man when it comes to his  
staff. And in return, I give him my undivided  
attention and my quiet, unwavering loyalty � a trait I  
find so strongly appealing in him.

So, while others spent the past couple of weeks  
worrying about and possibly discussing Josh, I told  
him in no uncertain terms that "Yo Yo Ma rules."

It wasn't that I was not sick with worry like the  
others were, or that I didn't know about his outburst  
in the Oval Office (like I said, Master-Spy), I was  
just doing what I thought he needed � providing some  
normalcy while he sorted out what he needed to, or  
things came to a point where I had to do something.

I don't know if he noticed that I was the only one  
apparently NOT noticing, but I think that he needed me  
to not be walking on eggshells around him. I let him  
yell at me, and I yelled back, the way we usually do.  
Only this time, there was more desperation and anger  
in his yelling and a lot of forced-calm on mine.

But, I digress. After I heard Leo tell Josh that I  
was the one "who guessed" and Josh and I left, we  
gingerly started up our usual banter, and Josh let me  
lead him away from the carolers. Right then I was  
really feeling grateful, in that holiday way when it's  
cold out, and there are lights up everywhere, and you  
start to take stock of your life before New Years.  
Just feeling the change in Josh's attitude (the way he  
was carrying himself and the absence of the barely  
suppressed panic in his voice) after his day with Dr.  
Keyworth, and hearing Leo express his concern and love  
for Josh, and feeling like Leo and I shared a bit of  
the depth of our love for Josh with each other, I  
began to wonder if I was ready to share some of that  
with Josh, or if I'd be ready if he were to  
acknowledge my real role in his life?

Recognition from Josh, not just for clueing into what  
was going on with him before Christmas, but for  
everything I do for him (and I think that second part  
would be obvious if the first thing were acknowledged)  
would be the most frightening thing in the world to  
me.

For as much as certain adolescent fantasies about Josh  
have occupied my mind in between learning the  
political ropes through "trial by fire" during the  
campaign and the break-neck speed at which life runs  
in the West Wing, I can honestly say that I don't know  
if would want us to act out any of the scenarios I've  
imagined for us. One of those "if it ain't broke,  
don't fix it" things. And we most definitely "ain't  
broke." We _work_ the way we are now � would we work  
any other way?

Do I always want to be in these roles I have cast for  
myself? The Under-Appreciated, Misunderstood,  
Quirky-Assistant? Do I want him to look at me and  
tell me that he knows what I have done for him, how  
smart I am, that he knows I am Under-Appreciated,  
Misunderstood, Always-There-for-Him-When-He-Needs-Me,  
and that he loves me Quirky? I don't know if I could  
face the true reality of what our dynamic is; if I  
could honestly face the question of if it could be  
equal and healthy. Could he? Could he figure it out?  
Maybe he already knows, but then what was the "She  
knows?" question about then?

And I begin to seriously wonder: what are the roles  
that Josh plays opposite to my Quirky-Assistant,  
Under-Appreciated, Misunderstood,  
Always-There-for-Him-When-He-Needs-Me?

  


End file.
